Rough.

Hey folks. So, I missed my day 3 blog just because I was feeling miserable after my brief (4 hours) er visit Monday. And now I can’t read day 4 or inform of day 3 because I left my book at KinderCare! Ugh! I can tell you however, I spoke to some friends at work today about what I’m doing and those people were so proud of me! one even asked if she could be there when I do decide to get baptized! The reaction I received from her was so heartwarming and kind of made my day. I would also like to say a goodbye to one of our fabulous teachers! Ms.Paula you will be missed greatly and please don’t be a stranger!

My husband was playing Call Of Duty last night and one of our friends ( well I would like to say our friend but really he is just a person over a microphone 2 hours away that games with my husband) that we have actually become pretty close with, gave me tons of encouragement last night! We even have plans in the near future to go listen to him preach! So excited!

In other news, I feel like I was very harsh on some people today at out staff meeting. I feel like maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. Oh well, it is what it is. While at the meeting I was named Party Director? I’m now in charge of birthdays, pitch ins and any other fun things we get to do at KC! Which means time to decide my first even for August! I know this post wasn’t much about my journey but I felt I just needed to vent a little.

Until tomorrow folks

The struggle is real

You know how I said God puts me through all these struggles? Well I ended back in the hospital again…

What am I doing wrong, what is God punishing me for.. Please give me some kind of sign.

Life is not supposed to be this hard… Bigger problems.. Less God: smaller problems… More God. My life problems seem huge right now! How is thus not accidental, how and why did God plan for my life to go this way. How can I change this so I’m not continually living this nightmare.

That’s what life is becoming…. a nightmare

I’m so confused and I have not direction. How can I put so much faith in God when everything is crumbling around me.

This is the first day that I’m going to struggle. Finding him is going to be the hardest thing I have ever over come.

Pleas find a way into my heart. I need you now more than ever. I need your love. I need your hope. I need you.

Day 2: You Are Not An Accident

“Be Strong and courageous, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the lord your God is with you wherever you go” -Joshua 1:9

Last night I was very nervous. There was still some negativity coming from certain unnamed people in my family. It is hard to see a person that you most care for be the most against my bringing myself to Christ. Although, the beef stroganoff was delicious!

Today is a weird day. I don’t go to work until 1pm… If I even end up going at all. That’s the problem with summer in preschool.. everyone goes on vacations. So, this morning I’m going to be able to accomplish Day 2 of The Purpose Driven Life.

For me, stating that I am not an accident is hard to grasp… that’s what I have always been. My mom got pregnant at 17 and married my dad right out of high school. I was an accident. This has never bothered me, my parents have never told me that I was. When you get old enough however, you just know. You’re not supposed to get pregnant in high school.

“I am your creator. You were in my care even before you born” -Isaiah 44:2

Then it hits. I Am Not An Accident. God intended for me to be born on the day I was born to the people I was born to. God intended for me to have the parents I have. He knew all along. Then that brings me to a very delicate point. God intended for me to have non working kidneys when I was younger. How can God intend and deliberately put me through all that struggle. That struggle however saved my life.

I was headed down a horrible road. I was an accident, I was an accident, I was an accident. My parents are getting divorced. I hate my life. I want it to end. I was an accident. I was 13. I had no clue. I was hanging out with seniors in high school and freshmen in college. I was arrested for underage drinking. I was cutting and failing school. I was sneaking out at night to go hang out with boys. I was trouble. Freshmen year started, I met a boy. A boy I really liked. I was getting into even more trouble. Then boom, October hits. Homecoming, boy asked me out. I said yes 🙂 Happy! A week later doctor appointment: Broken Kidney’s. Boy finds out I’m sick.. doesn’t think he wants to stay around.. It’s high school. I’m now the sick broken girl. The sick girl that misses to much school. The sick girl that doesn’t get to go to high school. The sick girl that people talk about when I just didn’t show up for 2 months. The sick girl that returned with tubes coming out everywhere on my body to keep my kidneys functioning. Surprisingly this was when my life started turning around. I was to sick to hang out with the people I was hanging out with before. I moved in with my mom instead of my dad. I began to find out who my true friends were. That boy… he even continued to stay around. I was involved in school choir. That was one of the things that kept me going in high school. I became friends with the choir kids. The good kids. The kids that walked the halls singing and dancing without a care in the world. I was a choir kid. I loved every minute of it. I was still sick but life was looking up. I didn’t care if I was an accident. I stopped making bad decisions. I stopped cutting. I stopped yelling at my mom. I stopped being miserable.

Everything happens for a reason. A predetermined reason. A reason you may never know in your life time. God knew my reason. I know my reason.

So back to I Am an Accident  I AM NOT AN ACCIDENT. My life was not an accident, my choices were not an accident. God knew. God had to see if I could handle the struggles I was dealt.

The question at the end of the chapter is “I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?”

For the longest time I was struggling with being sick. I was always doing the “why me” question. I no longer struggle with that. Now, I struggle with things I cannot change even though I’m trying very hard to over come them. I struggle with my weight. I am working on changing that and getting a healthier lifestyle. I struggle with my outspoken personality. My background I am slowly coming to term with. It is in the past. There is nothing I can so about it. I can not change it.

Until tomorrow folks..

-Stephanie

Today is the day!

“It’s in Christ we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.” – Ephesians 1:11

This is my journey into following Christ. My story. My day by day as I let Christ into my heart. My thoughts, feelings and struggles. If you stumble across this blog please share so maybe I can inspire just one person.

My story is no different from anyone else’s. Except fro one thing: I don’t know who Christ is. Sure, I know of Heaven and Hell, how the world was created, but I don’t really truly know Him. I am your basic 24 year old young lady. I work for a local preschool with an amazing staff. I have a husband, we live in our tiny one bedroom apartment. We struggle with finances at times but ya know, who doesn’t? Life isn’t easy but it isn’t to terribly complicated either.

I started today off thinking that life was amazing, thinking there is not to much that needs to change. Guess what! I was surely mistaken… I went to my local church service as I sometimes do, I had never made it an every Sunday thing and really hadn’t made church a priority. Today however, was different. The sermon was about disciples and being one. The sermon made me realize I was a fair weather fan of Christ and not a follower. This pretty much broke my heart. How can I live my life by Christ but not follow him. Thus starting the biggest change I will ever go through.

After church, my friend and I went to our local bookstore where I bought my very first Bible. I’m 24 years old, married, and had realized I had never bought one. I also purchased The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth am I Here For?.  This is a guide to help me connect with in 40 days time.

As soon as I got home I got on Facebook and announced to my friends and family what I was going through and that I was trying to find my way to Christ. I then announced my deactivation from social media. So many positive comments were thrown my way, but some negative ones to. Some people in my life don’t understand the emotional hardships I have been facing over the past few months. It has been an emotional roller coaster.

Thankfully my friend has agreed to go on this roller coaster with me. She has agreed to reconnect herself to Christ as well. So, we started on chapter one.

Chapter one was rough. My life is not about me. This was a very hard concept for me to understand.  How can my life not be about me? Am I not supposed to be and do what is best for me? No, I am supposed to be and do what is best for Christ. “You were made by God and for God, until you understand that life will not make sense”. I just have to remember that my life is not mine. It is his.

As I pursue this journey I hope to become more active in my church, become baptized, and live my life according to Christ. For now however, my beef stroganoff that has been cooking all day is finished for dinner and my family will be here soon. Tomorrow will be a new day and I can let you know how the family takes my following a new path. Until tomorrow……..

Stephanie